I just got home from my second weekend in a row spent in the city doing mosh things with mosh people. both of these weekends were fun and productive at the same time (which is something i think we're good at). but theres something that gets to me everytime i walk away from the weekend, no matter how good or bad it is. by the time my bus (or whatever mode of transportation im taking) pulls into my destination (albany or buxton) i feel more depressed than i was before the weekend. why is it that i dont know how to be happy like i am when im with you guys anywhere else? it's not like it takes much for me to be happy when we're together. just driving around in a car or walking on the beach or just sitting in silence is thousands and thousands times better then with friends from school. maybe its because i know i will be happy. i try so hard at school to be able to feel this way, but when i do i always get let down and then i feel bad about it. my mom asked me today when i wanted to go back to school and i started crying. i told her i never wanted to go back because im so unhappy there. but this is the way i usually speak about school to my mom. maybe it isn't buxton. maybe i would be unhappy anywhere? i feel like im in an endless cycle of hating school and then hating myself for hating school. I feel fake when im there and i have to fight a lot to not get pulled into everything. I feel like im playing this game that is stupid but i have to play so i can finish. this is getting long but i thought it was important to share.

-meirav